For me, the right time for de-conversion was in 2020. I had been born and raised Mormon and more than just following the program set for me–I really, thoroughly, earnestly believed my dogmas of origin. I believed them so much, in fact, that I submitted to my Church’s custom of claiming to “know” that it was all true. Occasionally, the critical thinking I had developed over two University degrees would take umbrage at this breach of speech, but since both of those degrees had come from my Church-owned University, the objections usually took a backseat to my shrugs that “it was more or less true, anyway.”

The process went pretty quickly, after that. I was so ravenous for information that I would wake up early to begin reading or listening to material and spend all day taking notes or tabulating the facts I was finding in my journal. In one month, I had answered my initial questions and could see clearly the fallacy of my religion’s origins. In two months, I knew it wasn’t even close to “true” in any recognizable sense of that word. It took me another 7 months of scouring through sources and documents to convince myself that there was really nothing I had missed and about two months after that to realize that the community aspects (I deeply loved and still love those I knew from my Church community) weren’t really healthy for me anymore, either.

This was all incredibly painful. As much as we modern people like to tout our logic, the process of Religious Deconstruction showed me the raw muscle behind habit and belief and I felt the considerable pressure from my family, friends, and even myself to simply stuff the evidence away and pretend I had seen nothing. But, I also had an embodied awareness that would not be denied and I knew that I could not go back to my peaceful state of unknowing. As I wrote in my journal at the time, “it is like being told to choose between keeping just my arms or just my legs. How do I live a normal life without half of myself?”

This great unwinding of my religion was long and difficult, in part because I conducted the process in relative isolation, due to the global pandemic, and then, because I was forging a path on my own, rather than knowing who or how to ask for guidance. If I could go back and offer myself the wisdom I obtained from that great mass of experience, the following would be my essential tips.

1. Let your body ask the Questions
2. Record and Interpret Your Dreams
3. Keep a Journal that is more than just a Journal
4. Know when to take a Break
5. Make it Fun
6. Know when to get help and Who to Ask

1. Let Your Body Ask the Questions

The central practice of Embodiment is tuning in to the body and his/her needs. Never is this more important than when going through a stressful experience, such as a Religious Deconstruction. Tuning in could actually be the difference between having a positive transformation instead of a traumatic breakdown. When you have slowed down enough to allow your body’s “voice” to naturally emerge, ask yourself, “What do I most want or need to know right now?” Trust your natural craving here. If you are craving security, take time to slow down, apply some tips from the fourth or fifth suggestions of this list. If you are craving answers, trust your natural curiosity to guide you to the most relevant area of study.

Once you have made an embodied choice about which question or set of questions to pursue, slowly gather the possible answer sources to that question and allow your mental faculties to take over the process. Be thoughtful as to the source material and credibility of each source, but remember that just because a website is well laid out or agrees with a previously-formed assumption does not mean it is 100% correct. Notice the places where your body reacts to what you read or consume and take care in responding to those cues.

2. Record and Interpret Your Dreams

About 9 months before my Deconstruction, I had a vivid recurring dream of being stranded with no car, as a tsunami approached. In the dream, I was frantic to save my children and get them to higher ground but even after I found them, I saw that our car had been stolen. In face of this impending demise, I turned and watched the water and was stunned by how beautiful it was. I remember reflecting in the dream that I should stop worrying about the car–there was no ground high enough to escape this wave. And, that it was too bad no one would know what had happened to us and feeling privileged to see such an incredible thing, even if it was about to drown us. I recorded these dreams but had no idea what they might mean. A year later, memory of these dreams came back to me as I wrote over and over that I felt as if I were drowning.

If you have vivid dreams during your Deconstruction, hold them gently. Write down the essential images, plot points, and feelings associated with that dream. You don’t have to look up interpretations from a third party source-your subconscious produced the symbol and you can find what it means from self-study-but if there is a symbol that does not have obvious meaning to you, it can be very helpful to do a quick Google search. I recommend Jungian dream analysts as especially potent sources of discernment on this subject.

3. Keep a Journal but Make It More Than Just a Journal

Besides embodied practices to nurture your physical vessel during your Deconstruction, journaling is the most important thing you can do to ease your own way. There three particular applications of journaling that are useful during a Religious or Faith Deconstruction:

1. Freewriting: putting down into words every thought or feeling that is racing through you. Write for at least a page, but better to do 3-5 or more for greatest effect. Don’t read back what you’ve written, don’t edit, just let the thoughts flow.
2. Recording your Embodied Questions (see Tip 1) and their Answers: these entries should be more organized and research-oriented. If the same question comes up for you again in the future, as it probably will, you want to be able to quickly and easily reference what you found and see how you answered that question.
3. Un-sendable Letters: Religion is majorly about the people we knew within that system. As you deconstruct, you will feel homesickness, remorse, revenge, regret, and many many other things besides. Some of these feelings may need to be voiced to the other person directly in a real letter or message, but many of them may just need to emerge from you in the form of a message or letter that is never sent. Give yourself space in your journal to have those conversations in a one-sided way before you decide whether to send an actual message or not.

4. Know When to Take a Break

No matter how robust you are, how much free time you have, how supportive your partner is, or how eager you are to be done with the process, remember to take breaks. Think of your deconstruction like a birth. There will be natural cycles of intensity followed by natural ebbs. Trust the process to take its own course. Come back to the research or the investigation when the energy is there. When it’s not, take advantage of those lulls in your curiosity to relax, take care of yourself or your home, and to nurture the people or the other projects that you love.

5. Make It Fun

Most religions actively decry those who take their faith seriously enough to question its dogmas, origins, actions, etc. There is often a near-sadistic tone to the voices of church leaders who agonize in gory detail about the judgments and curses of God that will fall upon the former-believers.

This attitude definitely prompts most of us to take on the air of a martyr when going through the thankless and laborious task of correlating data and disentangling our families from damaging ideologies. But, this caricature of being is a choice and there are other ways to do it, too. So, whether your idea of fun means trying a heretofore forbidden cup of coffee or browsing the internet for scantily clad pictures or going all-out in decorating for your kiddo’s birthday, make it fun.

6. Know When to Get Help and Who to Ask

My particular cocktail of religion and family culture left me a bit-shall we say-lackluster on the idea of therapy. I was fully 2 years into the process before I hired my first therapist and even then, it was a so-so experience. The most helpful person on my personal journey was actually a life coach who had left Mormonism under very traumatic circumstances herself but then metabolized her experiences in order to become a powerful and approachable anchor for others.

If you are currently in the thick of a Deconstruction, these are some basic signs that you are in distress and might need additional support.

• Your appetite has changed: you don’t want very much food, suddenly want a lot of food, or don’t crave much variety in your food.
• You libido has changed: you don’t want affection or don’t want to give it, or alternately seem to crave it all the time.
• You feel tried but never seem to get enough rest.
• You find yourself pacing but don’t know what you’re looking for.
• You find yourself dissociating from interactions or environments due to stress.
• You find yourself having passive or active suicidal ideation: passive ideation occurs when you fantasize that the world would be better off without you, that you have no purpose, that you are bored or tired of being alive. Active ideation includes speculation on means or locations. Passive or active ideation is a serious signal from the body that help is needed. Seek assistance immediately. If you are a resident of the United States, you can always call the hotline 988 for immediate support.

For Religious Deconstructions, the absolute best person to ask for help is a qualified professional with experience around your specific type of Deconstruction. If your Deconstruction is extremely taxing, causing mental breakdowns, or you wonder if you might need medication to help you on the way, then this means a therapist, psychiatrist, or other doctor is for you. If you need someone to talk to and to ground you through the process, then a coach would be an excellent alternative.

If you can’t seem to find someone with those specific qualifications, then look for any qualified professional who has gone through a similar transition. This is primarily about ease of communication. Most sects have so much specialized jargon that to employ help from someone outside of that ideology can require a lot of back-tracking and explanation. To make it easy on yourself and to make the most of your time with a professional, find someone who already knows what you are talking about.

It Gets Better

Even though the dissolution of my faith was one of the most painful and difficult transitions of my life, I can truly say that I would do it again-mistakes and all-if I had to go back. The process of freeing yourself from an ideology is arduous, to be sure, and it may have unexpected consequences for relationships. It also has unexpected boons. As more people allow their bodies and minds to come towards alignment in what they believe and how they associate with others, our communities, our civic centers, and our collective actions can only get better.

If you have been through a Deconstruction already and are still struggling with your own scars from the experience, then it might be time to ask for support. If it sounds like I might be a good option for you, then let’s have a call.